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Are you really you?
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Great Day on Ultimate Bet

I had the greatest night on Ultimate Bet...

Started the day with $126.17
ended with $554.51
Up $428.34

I made the jump to $1/$2 no limit. I hadn't played higher than $.25/$.50 NL.

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." (always a good opener)
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

You Know You're from Montana When...

You Know You're from Montana When...

• The wind is faster than your truck.
• Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
• When the sun goes down you start looking for your coat.
• In March your vehicle is 43% mud.
• You leave your keys in the car and the next morning it's still there.
• You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.
• You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced "crick."
• The elevation exceeds the population.
• You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you.
• You can see the stars at night.
• People drive 200 miles to shop in a real mall.
• Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.
• You got a set of snow tires for Valentines Day.
• The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
• Your back yard smells like sagebrush or various animals.
• A girls' basketball game fills the gym.
• You slept through the night unawakened by a siren.
• A rodeo is more popular than a rock concert.
• You can fish, golf, and go skiing all in the same day if you try hard enough.
• Yellow light means "follow the car in front of you no matter what."
• Democrats are like salmon, they are on the endangered species list.
• You wave to someone on the freeway because you recognize the truck.
• You talk about a combine and people don't wonder what you are putting together.
• In the spring every tenth car you pass is a tractor.
• When the car in front of you is weaving you suspect a farmer instead of a drunk.
• Maps and gloves are kept in your vehicle's "jocky box."
• You can choose plastic bags or paper sacks for your groceries.
• You have to wait for a flock of sheep to pass you on the road.
• You know why people pay money to watch "pig wrestling."
• You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your friends.

You Know You're Born and Raised in A Small Town When...

• During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids.
• You are related to more than half the town.
• You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.
• Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town before you do.
• Without thinking, you wave to all oncoming traffic.
• You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.
• You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.
• There's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.
• The local gas station sells live bait.
• You go to the State Fair for your family vacation.
• You get up at 5:30 am and go down to the coffee shop.
• You're on a first name basis with the county sheriff.
• When little smokies are something you serve on special occasions.
• You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial.
• All your radio-preset buttons are country.
• You try to find the cheapest room rates when going out of town.
• Using the elevator involves a grain truck.
• Your mayor is also your garbage hauler, barber, and insurance salesman.
• You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
• You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.
• Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.
• You know cow pies aren't made of beef.
• You wake up when it's dark and go to bed when it's still light.
• You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.
• You can tell it's a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.
• Your nearest neighbor is in the next area code.
• You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the stalk.
• You know the code names for everyone on the CB.
• You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds.
• You wear your boots to church.
• It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town.
• You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of feedlot apart.
• The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him.
• You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping.
• Your main drag in town is two blocks long.
• You defend the beauty of being able to see the next town which is 20 miles away.

You Know You're a Montana Rancher if......

You Know You're a Montana Rancher if......
• you know how to spell heifer, Hereford and Charolais
• you know someone who’s lost a digit to a rope, a chain saw or a skinning knife
• you keep old machinery around just for parts.
• you put old tires on top of haystacks, shingled roofs and the outhouse.
• you have an outhouse.
• driving 80 miles per hour on the freeway seems kind of slow.
• when you hear the word "season" you think calving, branding, haying or shipping.
• you have ever lost pets and livestock to mountain lions, wolves, bears, raccoons, foxes, coyotes, skunks, badgers, eagles or dude hunters.
• You think a traffic jam is waiting to pass a tractor on the county road.
• a vacation means attending the livestock auction sale (him) and going back-to-school shopping (her) in the city.
• you measure distance in miles, not minutes.
• you’ve been to tractor rallies or draft-horse shows or mule log-pulling events.
• down south means Wyoming.
• Minneapolis is "back East."
• Washington is "the coast."
• everybody you know has — at least once — hit a deer, elk, moose or cow and so have you.
• you drive up to 200 miles or more to attend an evening dance, show or rodeo.
• as a kid you rode the school bus for an hour each way.
• you’ve seen people wear bib overalls at funerals, weddings and the annual Christmas pageant at the church.
• you see pickups, with no one in them and with engines running, parked in front of stores and bars no matter what time of year.
• you get a kick out of explaining what’s a Testicle Festival to dudes.
• taking your drink in a "go cup" from the local bar is a time-saver.
• you have a security light on a pole between the house and barn and leave both unlocked.
• you carry jumper cables in your vehicle, but your spare tire is missing.
• you consider the four food groups to be fat, salt, sugar, caffeine and Copenhagen.
• you are convinced spices consist of salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
• all the pickups on the place fail to start so you drive to town on the tractor.
• you know that driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
• driving in the winter means staying between the fence posts.
• you think that washing your pickup is a waste of time and money.
• you have never owned a vehicle that did not have cracks in the windshield.
• your blood pressure rises when you have to drive in a city of more than 8,000.
• a flannel nightie and tube socks seem like sexy lingerie.
• you know how many cords of wood it will take to get through the winter.
• you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and where do those girls on highway construction go to the bathroom?
• you know what a Rocky Mountain Oyster is and will gladly share a recipe for how to prepare them.
• you know how to correctly pronounce the capitol of Montana, the capitol of South Dakota and the state of Oregon.
• Driver’s Education was a joke for you and your classmates since you’d all been driving since the age of 10.
• you actually get these jokes and forward them to your rancher friends.