You Know You're a Montana Rancher if......

You Know You're a Montana Rancher if......
• you know how to spell heifer, Hereford and Charolais
• you know someone who’s lost a digit to a rope, a chain saw or a skinning knife
• you keep old machinery around just for parts.
• you put old tires on top of haystacks, shingled roofs and the outhouse.
• you have an outhouse.
• driving 80 miles per hour on the freeway seems kind of slow.
• when you hear the word "season" you think calving, branding, haying or shipping.
• you have ever lost pets and livestock to mountain lions, wolves, bears, raccoons, foxes, coyotes, skunks, badgers, eagles or dude hunters.
• You think a traffic jam is waiting to pass a tractor on the county road.
• a vacation means attending the livestock auction sale (him) and going back-to-school shopping (her) in the city.
• you measure distance in miles, not minutes.
• you’ve been to tractor rallies or draft-horse shows or mule log-pulling events.
• down south means Wyoming.
• Minneapolis is "back East."
• Washington is "the coast."
• everybody you know has — at least once — hit a deer, elk, moose or cow and so have you.
• you drive up to 200 miles or more to attend an evening dance, show or rodeo.
• as a kid you rode the school bus for an hour each way.
• you’ve seen people wear bib overalls at funerals, weddings and the annual Christmas pageant at the church.
• you see pickups, with no one in them and with engines running, parked in front of stores and bars no matter what time of year.
• you get a kick out of explaining what’s a Testicle Festival to dudes.
• taking your drink in a "go cup" from the local bar is a time-saver.
• you have a security light on a pole between the house and barn and leave both unlocked.
• you carry jumper cables in your vehicle, but your spare tire is missing.
• you consider the four food groups to be fat, salt, sugar, caffeine and Copenhagen.
• you are convinced spices consist of salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
• all the pickups on the place fail to start so you drive to town on the tractor.
• you know that driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
• driving in the winter means staying between the fence posts.
• you think that washing your pickup is a waste of time and money.
• you have never owned a vehicle that did not have cracks in the windshield.
• your blood pressure rises when you have to drive in a city of more than 8,000.
• a flannel nightie and tube socks seem like sexy lingerie.
• you know how many cords of wood it will take to get through the winter.
• you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and where do those girls on highway construction go to the bathroom?
• you know what a Rocky Mountain Oyster is and will gladly share a recipe for how to prepare them.
• you know how to correctly pronounce the capitol of Montana, the capitol of South Dakota and the state of Oregon.
• Driver’s Education was a joke for you and your classmates since you’d all been driving since the age of 10.
• you actually get these jokes and forward them to your rancher friends.